yet more often than not, they do

Carina was begging me to like blog and i was saying I had no mood but suddenly i had something to blog about. so ah well, here goes.

It's about something I've been thinking and talking much about these days.
Yea, you know it, walls.
And I don't mean just any wall, I'm talking about the walls around ourselves.
All of us have walls, every one of us.
Don't even try to deny it, the more strongly you protest, the more evident it is that you have walls.
I don't know if they entered the world together with us, as some kind of natural defense mechanism, or after getting hurt, we build the walls, brick by brick, to provide us with some kind of security, to feel safe, but all i know is that we had them for very very long, so long that we forget that they were ever there in the first place, and that sadly, hiding behind walls becomes a habit we're so used to, that we're doing so without even realising, without knowing. We have become creatures who are afraid to show their true faces, creatures who cannot survive without masks.
But I'm not here today to talk about the why we have walls, but about the walls we have.

We all have walls, but each wall of each individual defers from the other, as walls are really just a reflection of who we are, what we are. Walls play an important part in our lives, and almost everything we do are influenced by them.

Like me, I've discovered that my walls are super holey. I let people in easily, and trust people rather readily. I am rather easy to get deep with, you get it? You can talk to me etc. And I also feel that holding on is worth it. And I know, walls are supposed to be shields, but with holey ones, you get injured. Injured easily, but somehow, I can never learn, I am not the kind to lock myself up inside the walls.

Thus I think I'm born to suffer. With walls like mine, I will always get hurt. I will want to believe in the best of people and though I get hurt, I just can't fill up my walls. It just ain't me. So maybe i was meant to be hurt. I get hurt easily, because I trust easily, but I cannot don't trust people, cos I believe that all these hurt might be worth it one day, and I hang on. I know I sound like a fool, but that's just how I am, I can't change. It's frustrating to even myself, but that's the only way, for me to do it, to be myself. Maybe I'm just making myself suffer, but as i once said,

i don't mind
getting hurt or is it i've never been hurt very deeply enough?
i think i believe people too easily
but it's just not me
i think i'm born without walls
maybe it's a deficiency but
i believe that it will be worth it
in the end, i will suffer i think
but i won't feel sorry for myself
i don't give up
cos if i do, i really really give up on everything

Maybe I just don't know how to love myself more. As my walls have many holes, I tend to think that other people's walls are holey too, but more often than not they are not, and there I am locked out. I have many many many people who are important to me, but I don't think I'm as important to them as them are to me. I always get hurt by that, but in the end, I resign myself to it. Cos prolly building walls are a smart move, and I'm just the dumb person who bleieves in happy endings.

Like I was saying, I want to send everyone christmas cards this year during christmas, cos I know that if I get christmas cards, I'll be super happy, so I'm give other people cards, hoping that people will be as happy as me. I'm just trying to make everyone happy, though i know it may not be the case. It may be small and insignificant, but it means alot to me.

So even though I get hurt, but I don't mind, at least I think I can survive, maybe I'm born to be the one to absorb all the hurt. But at least, the people who are dear to me, won't get hurt. For them at least, it would be worth it.

So how are your walls like? Have you ever tried looking?