Today's 1st day of chinese new year.
I'm back home after visiting my father's side of relatives. Saw everybody again lala and noticed how they have changed. They are all people I would really love to be very close to, to know more about but they are not. I just really like them. Darren has grown so tall ohmygod. (Even taller than me though he was shorter/around the same height the last time I saw him which was what, 1/2 year ago?) D: Even 智智哥has got a girlfriend already (!) though I haven't seen the lucky girl yet hehe. Saw 姑姑 hahha.

Oh yah, you know you have to say something 吉利 words to your parents then get your ang baos right? Guess how mine went:

To dad;
新年快乐! ......
(deep in thought).... er er er....
(still thinking) ........
(gives up) Er.......
May you get promoted, salary increase, and get a lot of year end bonus!*
dad's face : -.- but i still got my ang bao lalala.
*Note；I was trying to think of some chim chim impressive chinese vocab to say that. but as you can all see, I failed miserably in my attempt.

To mom;
新年快乐！永远青春美丽(mom's face was like this :)), 还有永远瘦瘦！(became like this :D)
In the end of cos i got my ang bao. 拍马屁always works no matter what :D

//
But it wasn't all sunshine and roses either.
My aunt has got cancer. I'm not sure what kind only that it's severe. So we couldn't see her; she had to stay at home.
Vivien and Brenda has to spend their chinese new year in a hospital cos their grandma has got cancer and is currently hospitalised.
Actually I wasn't really supposed to know about my aunt's cancer. But I knew. Since the 1st day they themselves knew. Well the funny thing is that the things that adults want to keep from me, I will just easily know about it. I'm not sure why. But I just hear whatever they say to each other over the phone and tada, I know it all. They always seem to think that if they don't tell me, I'll never know. When in actual fact, I know as much as them. And I cannot show that I know.

I really like my aunt. She's real nice. She always cuts my fringe prettily for me. I cannot really imagine a world without her. No, it's not like i see her everyday. She's like someone from another world to me; a world different from my normal, everyday-life but someone that I will see during special days and I really like her. She has always been there, just there. It had always been a comfort to know that she's there, a someone in my life.

But her health has always been frail. There was once her abdominal was in so much pain that they had to call for an ambulance to send her to the hospital. 智智哥was so scared that he cried.

And now she has got cancer. Cancer. And she will need to undergo treatment. Her hair has already start to fall off. It is nerve-wrecking mentally. And it isn't even comfirmed if she will be able to live through this. But she has to, she really has to. And she will.
She didn't even tell everyone about her cancer only my mother and a few others as she didn't want to kick up a big fuss. but today my uncle had to tell everyone as my aunt couldn't come for the Chinese New Year gathering that everyone comes to. He was scolded by one of my aunts for not telling them earlier.

The thing about sickness is that it not only affects the person in question, it affects every single person/thing that has ever known he/she. It's harsh on both sides. And all you can do is to see her quietly wasting away without being able to do a single damn thing to help her. Not a single thing. It eats away at you, gnaws at your heart. And you cannot do a thing to save her while she's dying. Not a thing. That's the part. The part that drives people crazy. The helpless-ness of yourself. It makes you want to kill yourself. Being so helpless.

I don't understand. Why must there be sickness, illness and diseases? Why must they happen on our loved ones? Why? Why should some people fall asleep wondering if they would live to see the next sunrise? Why? Who chose these people? Who said that they were the ones who had to suffer?

I know why. There must be suffering in order to have joy in this world. Without one, there is no other. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about how unfair this is. From stating how unreasonable all of these is.

But what has happened has happened. There's no use lamenting. The only way is forward, to live life bravely, to cherish every single waking moment, to experience all the simple pleasures of life we couldn't live without. All your loved ones.
All I can tell you is that nothing is certain forever. You may lose your loved ones before you know it. Your world might fall in pieces right before your eyes. So just go cherish this moment. Go think about all that you have ever loved. Before it's too late. Go do the things you've always wanted to do it. Leave nothing to regret.

The true heros are those who know that they are going to die but they still set out bravely to meet their doom while making sure that there's nothing left for them to regret.

And I wish peace and happiness to all the people and their loved ones in the world.

我不爱，我不痛，我不懂。

因为爱，才会痛。我想如果有一天，我得了重病，应该不会告诉任何一个人吧，因为不想让你们担心，难过。只会自己一个人躲在角落里偷偷地哭吧。我也不知道我会不会抵抗病毒到底，或者会利用那些剩下的时间去好好地活下去，这样我上了天堂才能骄傲地告诉神父，“我好好地活过了！一点遗憾也没有！” 有点奇怪的想法吧? 不过，我觉得生命不在于长短，而是活得值不值得，精不精彩。
以后，我死后，我要我的葬礼上，大家都是开开心心的，来庆祝我活过，而不是我的离去。我要他们永远记住我活着的样子，而不是我死后的样子。我要让大家知道，我武诗璇，一个稍微奇怪的女孩子，在这世界上活过。我只需要这样而已，仅仅如此。

我要大家知道我曾经存在过。