Went to blog-hop and got this urge to blog again yay.
Now's EOY period and i think I've been super slack-.-
Anyway I'll soon revive my blog again :D
So just you wait okay!
xoxo
P.S. Japanese oral is like just around the corner (this friday, 4.00 pm)
Butterflies are fluttering in my おなか(sorry, stomach) D:
Super scared especially since I've been neglecting my Japanese for quite some time
Nevermind jiayou joei you can do it!
If you wake up in time, that is!

yet more often than not, they do

Carina was begging me to like blog and i was saying I had no mood but suddenly i had something to blog about. so ah well, here goes.

It's about something I've been thinking and talking much about these days.
Yea, you know it, walls.
And I don't mean just any wall, I'm talking about the walls around ourselves.
All of us have walls, every one of us.
Don't even try to deny it, the more strongly you protest, the more evident it is that you have walls.
I don't know if they entered the world together with us, as some kind of natural defense mechanism, or after getting hurt, we build the walls, brick by brick, to provide us with some kind of security, to feel safe, but all i know is that we had them for very very long, so long that we forget that they were ever there in the first place, and that sadly, hiding behind walls becomes a habit we're so used to, that we're doing so without even realising, without knowing. We have become creatures who are afraid to show their true faces, creatures who cannot survive without masks.
But I'm not here today to talk about the why we have walls, but about the walls we have.

We all have walls, but each wall of each individual defers from the other, as walls are really just a reflection of who we are, what we are. Walls play an important part in our lives, and almost everything we do are influenced by them.

Like me, I've discovered that my walls are super holey. I let people in easily, and trust people rather readily. I am rather easy to get deep with, you get it? You can talk to me etc. And I also feel that holding on is worth it. And I know, walls are supposed to be shields, but with holey ones, you get injured. Injured easily, but somehow, I can never learn, I am not the kind to lock myself up inside the walls.

Thus I think I'm born to suffer. With walls like mine, I will always get hurt. I will want to believe in the best of people and though I get hurt, I just can't fill up my walls. It just ain't me. So maybe i was meant to be hurt. I get hurt easily, because I trust easily, but I cannot don't trust people, cos I believe that all these hurt might be worth it one day, and I hang on. I know I sound like a fool, but that's just how I am, I can't change. It's frustrating to even myself, but that's the only way, for me to do it, to be myself. Maybe I'm just making myself suffer, but as i once said,

i don't mind
getting hurt or is it i've never been hurt very deeply enough?
i think i believe people too easily
but it's just not me
i think i'm born without walls
maybe it's a deficiency but
i believe that it will be worth it
in the end, i will suffer i think
but i won't feel sorry for myself
i don't give up
cos if i do, i really really give up on everything

Maybe I just don't know how to love myself more. As my walls have many holes, I tend to think that other people's walls are holey too, but more often than not they are not, and there I am locked out. I have many many many people who are important to me, but I don't think I'm as important to them as them are to me. I always get hurt by that, but in the end, I resign myself to it. Cos prolly building walls are a smart move, and I'm just the dumb person who bleieves in happy endings.

Like I was saying, I want to send everyone christmas cards this year during christmas, cos I know that if I get christmas cards, I'll be super happy, so I'm give other people cards, hoping that people will be as happy as me. I'm just trying to make everyone happy, though i know it may not be the case. It may be small and insignificant, but it means alot to me.

So even though I get hurt, but I don't mind, at least I think I can survive, maybe I'm born to be the one to absorb all the hurt. But at least, the people who are dear to me, won't get hurt. For them at least, it would be worth it.

So how are your walls like? Have you ever tried looking?

okay I'm here blogging in the middle of ICT class.. Mainly movitated by Rachel lol.
I haven't uploaded the ungalm photos! D: Feel damn what the hell, but yea, i've been busy
There's like Chinese debate later in the afternoon while my classmates are happily going off for excursion...
lalala i went to ikea over the weekends and it's super nice(!) Love the food. Gonna bring carina there one day. I shall go home and blog a more complete post cos I've realised that I'm rambling...

Feeling super gong now. Just woke up and had brunch cos yesterday had gathering Saw brenda and vivien hahhah and they were like late for 1& 1/2 hours!(We were supposed to meet @ Auntie Pauline's house @ 11am and my dear brenda toh woke up @ 11am.) How time-conscious lol. But the funniest thing was that Vivien Toh cutely (treasure this moment kay i don't usually call you cute!)went to wake up @ 8.22 am in the morning to take the pledge! Ain't she patriotic?:D) LALALA basically slacked the whole being couch potato and i went crazy demolishing like one whole box of those baby biscuits ya know, those with pretty sugar icing on top one? I'm sure everyone has eaten before and I simply heart it! I kept eating and eating and eating D: Sure getting FATTER and FATTER and FATTER. Yah watched alot of tv, including the slight porny (LOL) 18 grams of love on okto haha super funny derek stared @ us and was like, "is it porn?" but be rest assured it's not lah, i don't look like the kind do i? dads played mahjong until quite　late and we went home like @ 2am today (but this is no mean feat, i mean we went home @ 4am in the morning before once -.-) so...yea. I just woke up.

Am trying to do the shitty powerpoint thing urgh. It's killing me D: Today I think I'll go to like had dinner with uncle Bankat again lalala so prolly no time to blog so I'm squeezing a short post here lest people like The Fat Brain Vivien Toh come and accuse me of not posting. But This is basically pointless and I'm just sprouting rubbish. OH but i'll give you some advice which is to come quite often again especailly my dear playmates of 207 cos I'm going to post super many unglam photos of you guys! See how much you have changed since last year! HAHA ever been exposed before one kay those photos. And no I won't cover the faces but only after you have viewed them, I will like respect your wishes and cover up or sth so if you want to catch how others look like, do come before they are all covered up.

And don't get angry okay, it's all in the name of fun! You can post unglam photos of me too if you want.(carina kam just already done that)

痞子英雄, episode 19 ♥

just a really short post before I return back to full-time blogging.

I've realised that my life is very flawed.
And no, that's wasn't a complaining tone.
But yes, it is. I mean my life being flawed.
I know many of you know of my problems, and are trying to help me in your own way, thanks but sometimes I'll feel bad yea. I don't look down on myself though cos I'll just tell myself, if I can't get it now, I'll be sure to be able to get it next time and much much much more. I'll just have to wait. You may say just accept how it is, but for me, I'm not going to. No, I don't like it, won't accept it the way it is and will change it, have to.

I've realised that I owe many people a lot. Without the help of many people, I really don't know how my life is going to be. Without them, I cannot begin to imagine. So when I grow up, I'll repay all of it. Thank you everyone, what I cannot do for you now, I will repay next time even more, because you really do light up my life. I guess I'm blessed to know you and thanks for being there.

I do know many of the people I need to thank won't be reading this but I really mean what I say. So when I grow up, please still be there for me to repay. I know some debts are so great I cannot begin to repay but at least let me do something for you. I know when I can repay you, you will say that only my presence will be needed. But I won't ever forget. Help is something, but getting it when you really need really raises the value. I cannot begin to put my feelings into words. I feel indebted, but in a happy sort of way. It's like these small, small things that all of you do link me to you, and though you feel it's nothing, it really warms my heart. I want to do things for you, so please wait. I cannot do it now, but in the future I will.

I know I was born with nothing in this world, all that I ever want I'ld have to get it myself. But I'm not blaming anyone, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Like what my mom said, she cannot give me many things, but she will give me education, so next time I can go and get the things I want. What I wasn't born with, I'll get it myself.

And thanks sherena, charmaine, lydia and michelle. You've been trying to help and I have noticed and it warms my heart though you should not do it anymore. Thanks for all the treats thought I cannot give you back now, but I will next time. I'll treat you all to dinner!